Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
