it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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