he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
