I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
