Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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