He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I stole a fireplace last night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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