Soap is not a condiment
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
