Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
