Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
