there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
