i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
