we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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