Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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