I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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