Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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