I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
