is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
