I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
