Jerry, you need to find god
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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