if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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