Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
