Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
