Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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