I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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