$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
