the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
