maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
