DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
