You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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