I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Randomize
