Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I looked at my own cervix.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
