i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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