Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
