Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
