He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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