Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
smell my finger.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
