I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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