drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This house was built for laser tag.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
