I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
