he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
