Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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