ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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