You really coming over, don't trick.
hotel room ftw
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
