the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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