Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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