I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
