My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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