I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
