Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This is classic penis vs brain.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
