I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
